Dr. Crabby Montgomery
Dr. Crabby Montgomery’s award winning personal advice column appears each Thursday in Writing Frontier. Are you a reader with a vexing problem at work or home who could use some common sense advice or wisdom from Crabby? Have a neighbor threatening you with gardening tools? On the run from the law? Impregnated your son’s kindergarten teacher and looking for tips on how to handle the conversation with your wife? Crabby’s here for you. Just send your questions and concerns to “Dear Crabby” in our “Comments” box below.
Dear Crabby:
My husband and I are investment bankers who were recently laid off from our jobs at Lehman Bros. on Wall Street during all of the turmoil of this financial crisis. While we have lost our jobs, we consider ourselves lucky because our high salaries from the past plus our wonderful bonuses throughout the years have allowed us to put together quite a nice “nest egg” for rainy day occasions like this. I admit, we are more fortunate than most others. Now we have moving on our mind, and are on a quest to find the most unique and hospitable town in America in which to settle and raise our two wonderful kids. Suggestions?
Signed,
On the Move (NY, NY)
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Dear “On the Move:”
Let’s see. How about Hell, you greedy, good-for-nothing turd? How about “nesting” yourself there?
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Dear Crabby:
I am a single mom with a 14 year-old daughter who is just as cute as a button and full of life. She’s popular at school, does well with her grades, and is a great help around the house. I couldn’t be more proud of how she’s handled the tough years of an early teen. However, I was recently surprised when I came home from work to find her at home alone with a boy from her class. I caught them “necking” (I hope that doesn’t date me!!!) on the couch in front of the TV. She knows the rules - no boys at home without my permission or when I’m not home. Is this the beginning of teen rebellion, or just a one time thing from an otherwise terrific child?
Signed,
A little bit nervous (Arlington, VA)
Dear “A little bit nervous”:
You have a slut on your hands. I have heard from thousands of single mothers in your same sad position over the years, and in every single case it has turned out they were unwittingly raising a slut. Not much you can do about it. About the best you can do is enroll your child in teen parenting classes, get a crib, and get ready to paint the extra bedroom or den pink or blue.
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Dear Crabby:
Help! My husband and I started an innocent NFL betting pool in our neighborhood at the beginning of this season as a lark. Our interest was in finding a way for everyone on our street to get to know each other better and come together more closely as a community. Had we only known! What started out as a small effort involving a dollar here and there on a couple of games on Sunday has turned into a huge affair. So many of our neighbors and friends have gotten interested that the pool each week is up to $10,000 and it has darn near become a full time job for my husband and our five children to run the betting pool. We are so thankful we have gotten to meet our neighbors and make some new friends, but I’m afraid it’s getting out of hand and is just way too much work. What do you suggest?
Signed,
Place your Bets (Mobile, AL)
Dear “Place your Bets”:
I have heard of idiots before, but this takes the cake. You have unwittingly involved yourself and your entire family in highly illegal activity. The State of Alabama punishes even first time organized off-track betting offenders (ASC Code 198-B-42) to the fullest extent of the law and there is every reason to believe that all involved, including any of your children who participated, will be going to jail or juvenile detention facilities. We debated for a moment whether or not to inform the authorities in this matter and felt obligated to provide your letter, including name, address and telephone number to the State Attorney’s office in Mobile, AL. You will be hearing from them directly within three business days. Go Broncos!
Dear Crabby:
My husband and I are about at the end of our rope. Our teenage son was recently arrested for drug possession. We have tried just about everything in our power, from Scared Straight programs to Outward Bound. We love our son dearly and will go to any length to get him on the right path, but nothing seems to work. What else can we try?
Signed,
Desperate (Tulsa, OK)
Dear “Desperate”:
I get the sense that the two of you are just lousy parents. Sometimes it’s that simple. Have you ever stopped to consider that it might have been your backwards raising of the child in the first place? Few parents do. If he is as incorrigible as you say he is, you have obviously done something wrong. He is likely a danger to himself, your neighbors, frankly - your whole community. My advice is that you should accept your responsibility for this, be ashamed of your failures, and move on.
Dear Crabby:
After twenty wonderful years of marriage, I just know my husband is drifting from me. I am just about to turn the corner at 50 years old, and starting to suspect that he is having an affair. We live in a small town (Xenia, Ohio) and I am so fearful that I am going to have my suspicions confirmed by a dear friend or relative before my husband, who I still adore, comes clean with me. Should I simply trust him and hope for the best, or should I begin to follow him or even hire a private investigator?
Signed,
Distraught (Xenia, OH)
Dear “Distraught”:
Thank you for writing. We traced your IP address back to your home computer and know that while you are “Distraught,” you are also Mrs. Barbara Blogonovich of 2342 Willow Way, Xenia, Ohio. It is common knowlege, indeed we can confirm, that your husband Robert is having an affair involving sexual relations with a Ms. Jennifer Aston of 108 Alpine Street, Apartment 5B, Xenia, Ohio. Find herein a photo of Ms. Aston. My advice is that you not kid yourself. Pack it up. It’s over. You live in a small town, and this is going to be hugely embarassing.
Dear Crabby:
You think you are funny, don’t you? I have been reading your supposed “advice” columns for several months now and I think you’re a joke. Not only are you a rude, angry person, but the advice you dole out to people who are simply seeking some help in their lives is just plain ridiculous. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Signed,
Had Enough (La Jolla, CA)
Dear “Had Enough”:
Your father and I are having dinner at the McGarry’s house tonight. I put some chicken and a potato in the oven for you. When you get home, set the temperature at 350 degrees for one hour. See you when we get home.
Dear Crabby:
Barney
We need some advice regarding our cherished dog, Barney. (I’ve enclosed a photo for you). Our problem is two-fold. Barney is not only very clever, he’s also quite an athlete for his size. He has learned to jump the six-foot fence in our backyard, and has escaped several times in the past month. To make matters worse, our neighbors have grown quite angry because Barney has gotten into their trash and on one or two occasions left “droppings” here and there on their lawns. One has called Animal Control and become quite irate; another actually kicked Barney and bruised him badly. We simply cannot bring ourselves to give Barney away, but we also cannot afford to erect a higher fence to keep him in. Advice?
Signed,
Dog-goned Concerned
Dear “Dog-goned Concerned”:
Yeah, right. I’ll give you $50 bucks if that dog can jump over two feet, much less six. In the event that he actually can, you have some kind of mutant circus dog on your hands. You’re going to need to maim him somehow, and badly. That’s the only way they learn. I’m not talking about using a rolled-up newspaper like they teach in obedience school, but rather a large, blunt-edged object that will put an end to this trouble once and for all.
Dear Crabby:
I have been seeing a wonderful man for two years. He is twenty years older than me, but we are madly in love. Or at least I thought we were. Everything between us is just so right so I cannot understand why he has not popped the question. I am beginning to wonder whether he is as committed to the relationship as I am. He often makes excuses as to why he cannot stay the night, and he is out of town so much that I am wondering if he has another woman somewhere and is just afraid to tell me. Should I confront him or leave well enough alone?
Signed,
Lonely in Love (Xenia, OH)
Dear “Lonely in Love”:
Let’s see. Where to begin? If this is who we think it is (see attached photo) then, yes, the jig is up. Your man has some explaining to do. Please refer to our recent response, above, to “Dear Distraught” as you will find you two have much in common.
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